Fortunately, my hope has been validated on many occasions, but the effectiveness of reflective blogging really made an impression on me after I posted Stop Blaming: Develop Emotional Literacy. As usual, I linked my post to Facebook. The next day, this comment was waiting for me in my message box:

I thought I would share a bit about how my brain worked after reading your post today: Yesterday I watched a television segment from “Positive Living.” A doctor was explaining (can’t remember his name) that a suggestion “Don’t spill your milk” activates the brain to imagine spilling milk which actually INCREASES the possibility of accidents. Instead the doctor suggested the mother to say, “take a sip and place the glass carefully back on the table.” When I read your post today I thought about “Stop Blaming” in the same way. Might a similar result to a milk incident be that someone who blames becomes blamed for blaming? Might it be better to suggest “When emotions are activated, recognize them, own them, and … [detach from the trigger].”

By beginning the collaborative process, this reader helped me remember something that had slipped my attention: the impact of negative language. I am fully aware that if we want to encourage someone to do something, the use of negatives such as don’t, never, no, and stop will probably encourage someone to do the opposite. This concept was first made clear to me when I read about positive action language in Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall Rosenberg. One of the quotes he uses, really brings this point home:

lyrics by Ruth Bebermeyer

We’ve discussed the concept of positive action language on many occasions in our NVC practice group. I’ve also taught this concept during the classroom management courses I designed for our training program. For example, when helping students design classroom norms, instead of using, “don’t speak Korean” it’s more effective to use, “Please speak English”. Yet despite my awareness and knowledge, I still went ahead and used stop as the heading of my title!

So through this Facebook collaboration, I was reminded that reflection isn’t only about deepening one’s understanding to the realm of new ideas. Reflection is also about revisiting beliefs you may not have even realized you lost.

Related articles

• Reflection and making sense of it (ona76.wordpress.com)

When blame is seen as the only way to deal with feelings, as teachers what can we do? What is our role? How can we help our students understand that they are responsible for their feelings?

Interesting comments ensued via Facebook and email. Within these comments, questions were raised. To recognize my readers’ willingness and interest in keeping the discussion going, I am dedicating this post to them and to their questions.

Two readers wondered how I would answer my own questions:

- What can we do to help students/participants not blame others?” Are there strategies teachers can take? I know you opened it up to the readers but… what do you do? What might you do? Are there specific things you have tried? Would like to try?

- so what was your answer to your own question: what is the teacher’s role and responsibility?

The third reader questions another facet of this concept of taking responsibility:

Thanks for posting this. It seems healthy to build a kind of immunity to memes which can otherwise disturb a peaceful emotional state. I like the comparison to people able to create a zen-like tattoo experience. Still, it seems a focus on the one with the disturbed peace of mind lets the one who “threw the rock” off the hook. It seems to me that the bullied need emotional armor while the bullies need….what? Besides, sometimes people just don’t have a strong immunity system against what are harmful memes to them–maybe because they have an immature ego–and the triggering of emotions can cut like a knife. Do we really want to blame the person who correspondingly cries in pain for not controlling his emotions?

I will attempt to address these questions.

Emotional Literacy

I think it is absolutely crucial for the student/participant to understand their feelings are valid. Taking responsibility is not about controlling our emotions. If someone says or does something that hurts, it is not healthy to ignore my feelings. Taking responsibility for our own feelings is not synonymous with the intention of common expressions such as:

“Suck it up.”

“Get a grip on yourself!”

“Man up.“

From my perspective, taking responsibility means owning my feelings. When I own my feelings, as being mine and not the projection of someone else’s behavior, it is at this point that a shift can happen. Unfortunately, the ability to own our feelings is a skill lost on so many of us.

I think that being able to realize we have this skill comes from being able to understand and feel empathy. In order to understand and feel empathy, I believe we need to develop emotional literacy. By clearly naming the feelings we are experiencing, we honor our feelings. By being able to honor our feelings, the stimulus, be it a bully or an irritating participant, loses their power over us. We begin owning our feelings, and as a result, we can start to feel empowered.

As teachers I think we can help our students/participants understand this by helping them develop their emotional literacy. This process might begin by first empathizing with the student/participant when they experience a situation that charges their emotions. This may involve guessing their feelings until they are able to come to a point of recognition.

Teachers may also have lessons where we overtly teach feeling words. From here we can explore times in the students’ lives when they felt these emotions, making a tangible connection between the feeling word and the experience.

But I think the most important thing that a teacher can do is to develop their own awareness of emotions. We cannot expect to help students identify/own their feelings if our own emotional literacy is stunted. I recommend practicing the process of Nonviolent Communication as a way of developing this awareness. Through this practice, not only have I developed my own emotional literacy, but I have also learned the power of owning my feelings.

Final Comments

Taking responsibility is not about controlling our feelings. It is also not about ignoring the stimulus, or about letting the stimulus go on its merry way. It is about standing from a place of empowerment. Both the bully and the bullied, the stimulated and the stimulator will benefit from knowing this. No matter on what end of the conflict you may be, you still have the ability to empathize. You may just need a little help realizing this.

* To learn more about how emotional literacy is being promoted and practiced in schools in the US, please visit The RULER Approach website.

Related articles

• Emotional Literacy – Claude Steiner (danieladamian.wordpress.com)
• Reading, Writing, Empathy: The Rise of ‘Social Emotional Learning’ | GOOD (mentalflowers.wordpress.com)
• Reading, writing, empathy: Schools try ‘Social Emotional Learning’ (csmonitor.com)
• What Helps Children Cope with Bullying? (education.com)
• Social and Emotional Learning and Bullying Prevention (education.com)
• Do You Want Red, White or Pink Wine? Talking Emotional Literacy (intentionalworkplace.com)

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 12,000 times in 2011. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 4 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

can you take responsibility for how you feel?

Some of you may have read the above paragraph and thought,

“Well, aren’t they responsible? If they hadn’t done that or reacted in such a manner, I never would have felt that way. “

Sure, they can be the stimulus, but the fact of the matter is, that depending on your personal disposition or life experience, you will have a different reaction.

As an example, imagine two friends get a tattoo. One friend passes out as soon as the needle hits her skin. The other gets transported to a zen-like zone, and tunes out the pain so the etching simply feels numb. Same stimulus, different feelings. If this example is a too gruesome to help you see my point, maybe one about skydiving will have a stronger connection. Check out this article, We Are Responsible for Our Own Feelings to find out more.

So how does this relate to the classroom? On a few occasions during my two-year experience as a teacher trainer, I’ve witnessed participants blame other participants for “making” them feel a certain way. Up to date, the expressed feelings have usually been embarrassed or angry.

What’s wrong with feeling embarrassed or angry? Nothing. However, when we blame someone else for the misery we feel, we are simply perpetuating a vicious cycle of suffering.

…if you respond to another’s anger by getting angry back, rather than by taking care of yourself through choosing an intent to learn or lovingly disengaging, you will not feel safe. You have not responded as a loving adult in a way that leads to being treated respectfully. Instead, you have responded from your ego-wounded self, trying to have control over the other’s behavior. Since the other is likely to respond with more anger or withdrawal, you end up feeling bad from the interaction.

– Margaret Paul, “Who Is Responsible for Your Feelings?”

But if we go from the premise that we are responsible for our own feelings, then this means we have the power to move forward in a more compassionate manner. If I acknowledge my embarrassment, and take responsibility for feeling this way, then I am less likely to cause more pain to myself or anyone else. I am also more likely to get what I really wanted, which in relation to the participants, was more than likely understanding and respect.

I take comfort in this perspective on emotions. Knowing that I am responsible for my feelings frees me to follow my heart. It gives me the space to heal and to possibly change the way I react to a similar stimulus in the future. This doesn’t mean that I am free from the bonds of blame yet, but I am much quicker at clearly seeing my position in the matter.

When I see participants suffer from the belief that their classmates are responsible for their pain, I feel sad and concerned. I feel this way because it is important to me that they feel safe in my classroom. At such moments I realize the sense of safety has been lost, and it will not easily be regained.

Considering the great loss that can happen when blame is seen as the only way to deal with feelings, as teachers what can we do? What is our role? How can we help our students understand that they are responsible for their feelings? It’s a complex issue I look forward to explore with you.

Related articles

• Emotions: My Choice (socyberty.com)
• Compassionate Communication (Marshall Rosenberg)
• Responsibility and blame (toughmindedoptimism.wordpress.com)

When I get a clear picture of what you are thinking or doing, I get a deeper understanding. It is in the understanding that I’m able to see you for who you are, and not for who I may judge you to be. Clarity is the pathway I use to see your humanity. Clarity helps me connect to you on a compassionate level. As an educator, I believe this is important.

All my life, I’ve been searching for pathways of clarity so that I could make myself understood, and so that I could understand others. I wanted to create meaningful connections. At first the pathways I chose weren’t life serving and didn’t meet my core values. Finally, I came upon the process of Nonviolent Communication (NVC).

Daegu NVC Restorative Circle

NVC gives me the clarity to see others through the eyes of feelings and needs, and as a result, I have a better capacity to see their humanity. By understanding how when someone does something — no matter how horrific it may be — that they are simply trying meet their needs, I am less likely to demonize, and more likely to find compassion and understanding.

For the past five years, NVC has given me increasing amounts of clarity. And thanks to the help and support of my NVC practice group, my understanding of how to make meaningful connections has dramatically increased. Yet despite this support, I still felt like I was missing something. I noticed that I’m only able to apply NVC when the stakes aren’t high, but when a real conflict arises, apprehension and fear sets it. I avoid the conflict. By avoiding conflict, I’m also avoiding clarity. I’m avoiding an important part of myself and the other.

When we’re in conflict, this is where clarity becomes extremely important. In conflict we are usually blinded by anger, resentment, pain and fear. These feelings cloud our ability to connect with others. However, if we are able to understand the points of view that surround the conflict, then it is easier to arrive at a shared-understanding.

But in what kind of space would such clarity be permitted to surface? Yesterday, with the guidance of our trainer John Myser, our NVC practice group experienced a restorative circle, and I realized that this is the space in which such clarity lives.

A restorative circle is basically a safe space to have conflicts. According to the concept of restorative circles, there are three players in a conflict: a receiver (victim), an author (offender), and the community. The facilitator helps these parties gain more clarity about the event. During this experiential workshop I played the role of the facilitator, and I learned how simple and safe it can be to deal with conflicts. I realized that I don’t need to avoid conflicts as long as I’m in the right space.

Just to give you a slice of the circle, I’ll describe one of the basic interactions that occurs. Imagine a conflict has arisen between Mr. Green and Ms. Red. Mr. Green is the victim (receiver) of the conflict, and Ms. Red is the offender (author). Of course, community members who were affected by the conflict are also present in the circle.

The facilitator first asks the receiver, Mr. Green, “What would you like known, and by whom, about how you are right now in relation to the act and its consequences?”

Mr. Green shares with Ms. Red.

The facilitator asks Ms. Red, ” What did you hear Mr. Green say?”

Ms. Red then shares what she heard.

The facilitator then asks Mr. Green, “Is that it?”

- If Mr. Green confirms “yes”, then the facilitator asks, “What else would you like heard?” or “Is there more?”

- If Mr. Green says “no”, then the facilitator asks, “What would you like them to know?”

It continues like this until everyone feels like they’ve been heard and understood. By using the simple steps of asking members to go deeper into clarification and understanding, the facilitator guides them to “agreed actions”.

I’m very excited to keep practicing restorative circles with our group, and hopefully I’ll get the chance to share it with the teachers in our training program. I wish that everyone could experience such clarity and depth of understanding. It is in this clarity that compassion grows. I am grateful to have met clarity.

* If you want to know more about restorative circles, check out this video where Dominic Barter shares his experience:

And here is an example of a restorative circles facilitator workshop: